JOKE OF THE DAY
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
ORIGINAL: wiz kidd
Being Single
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."[/align]
Being Single
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."[/align]
[:-]
Last time I'm gona listen to a drunk,
I joined me a
NAME: Josh WiseGuy :P LOL ~ LOL
NICKNAME: Big Hemi `Dude : )
SEX: Yes, ~>Male
AGE: 36
OCCUPATION: Computer programmer @ auto parts store LOL
ABOUT MYSELF:
I love Science Fiction. Especially the original Battlestar Galactica series, Andromeda, Farscape, Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, Dr. Who, and above all: Star Wars and Star Trek… Sign the online petition for a cross over! Who do you think would win a fight? Millenium Falcon or a souped up Enterprise? Oh, & Anything Harry Potter : ) LOL
LIKES: The Rebel Alliance. Linux.
DISLIKES:
Darth Vader, and anything that has to do with Microsoft.
HOBBIES:
Debugging Linux code all night long until I fall asleep over my keyboard in the soft glow of my monitor. Going to Star Wars and Star Trek conventions, wearing my authentic Stormtrooper suit. (I got it on eBay!)
LOOKING FOR:
C++ Programmer or related software engineer for mutually beneficial partnership. Or any girl who looks like Princess Leah in Return of the Jedi. Or really anyone that is warm : ) lol
PERSONAL MESSAGE: Will you be the R2D2 to my C3PO?
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
I know this is a long read... but i think it is well worth it.
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
Thread Starter
|
Monte Of The Month -- March 2007
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,264
From: Woodstock, Ontario, Canada
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
pg 13 joke
highlight to read, maybe offensive, but it its funny
3 Girls on a Plane
There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.
The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.
French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful ****."
The African removes her knickers and says "Screw off, they all ways look for the black box first."[/align]
highlight to read, maybe offensive, but it its funny
3 Girls on a Plane
There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.
The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.
French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful ****."
The African removes her knickers and says "Screw off, they all ways look for the black box first."[/align]
RE: JOKE OF THE DAY
[sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif][sm=smiley3.gif]
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post