- Members Post a Joke : )
Monte Of The Month -- February 2008
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 4,286
From: Born in East LA
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,"Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. Inother words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning.'"
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
(I love this)
"Get your own dirt."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
(I love this)
"Get your own dirt."
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
GP`Dave "Get your own Dirt" LOL : )[hr]
[:@]Don't You Hate... [:@]
[:-]
... being the only one caught speeding when you were just going as fast as everyone else.
... getting into the "Exact Change Only" lane and ending up behind a guy who finds he hasn't got the exact change.
... when something happens the day after you let your comprehensive insurance expire.
... the nauseating smell of gasoline that wafts forward to tell you that they've over-filled your tank again.
... "One Way" and "No Turn" signs that take you miles out of your way. ... bumpers that are higher than yours.
... repair shops that always have to order the part you desperately need. ... finally getting into that moving lane only to find that it abruptly stops ... and your old one moves from then on.
... a convertible top that invariably fails to operate whenever there's a sudden cloudburst.
... lending your car to someone ... and after it's returned, the engine makes a strange sound you've never heard before.
... car radios that fade out at critical moments.
... finding a vacant space where you parked your car.
... strange noises that always disappear the minute you take your new car back to the dealer ... and re-appear again right after you leave.
... having to go to the bathroom on one of those new treeless, bushless, exitless super-highways.
... hearing the unmistakable sound of a failing engine when you're right smack in the middle of the worst section of town.
... people who carelessly track whatever they stepped into right into your brand new car.
... know-it-all mechanics who insist that it's perfectly okay to do exactly the opposite - or use other parts - than what the manufacturer of your car specifically recommends.
... people who let kids eat in your new car.
... two cars that take up three parking spaces.
... glimpsing your car keys in the ignition just as you're slamming the locked car door.
... getting a flat tire in the middle of nowhere when you're dressed to the hilt.
... lending someone your car with a full tank of gas - and having it returned with exactly two drops left.
... your new car's air conditioner that conks out during the first heat wave.
... reminding you of how the heater conked out during the first cold wave.
... being trapped between two huge trucks ... and having to go miles beyond your turn-off.
... forgetting where you parked your car in a 10,000 car parking lot. ... finding a strange new puddle in your garage.
... gas station attendants who act like they're doing you the biggest favor in the world when they finally get to you.
... returning to your car the next morning just as the last faint glimmer of light fades from your headlights.
[:-]
... being the only one caught speeding when you were just going as fast as everyone else.
... getting into the "Exact Change Only" lane and ending up behind a guy who finds he hasn't got the exact change.
... when something happens the day after you let your comprehensive insurance expire.
... the nauseating smell of gasoline that wafts forward to tell you that they've over-filled your tank again.
... "One Way" and "No Turn" signs that take you miles out of your way. ... bumpers that are higher than yours.
... repair shops that always have to order the part you desperately need. ... finally getting into that moving lane only to find that it abruptly stops ... and your old one moves from then on.
... a convertible top that invariably fails to operate whenever there's a sudden cloudburst.
... lending your car to someone ... and after it's returned, the engine makes a strange sound you've never heard before.
... car radios that fade out at critical moments.
... finding a vacant space where you parked your car.
... strange noises that always disappear the minute you take your new car back to the dealer ... and re-appear again right after you leave.
... having to go to the bathroom on one of those new treeless, bushless, exitless super-highways.
... hearing the unmistakable sound of a failing engine when you're right smack in the middle of the worst section of town.
... people who carelessly track whatever they stepped into right into your brand new car.
... know-it-all mechanics who insist that it's perfectly okay to do exactly the opposite - or use other parts - than what the manufacturer of your car specifically recommends.
... people who let kids eat in your new car.
... two cars that take up three parking spaces.
... glimpsing your car keys in the ignition just as you're slamming the locked car door.
... getting a flat tire in the middle of nowhere when you're dressed to the hilt.
... lending someone your car with a full tank of gas - and having it returned with exactly two drops left.
... your new car's air conditioner that conks out during the first heat wave.
... reminding you of how the heater conked out during the first cold wave.
... being trapped between two huge trucks ... and having to go miles beyond your turn-off.
... forgetting where you parked your car in a 10,000 car parking lot. ... finding a strange new puddle in your garage.
... gas station attendants who act like they're doing you the biggest favor in the world when they finally get to you.
... returning to your car the next morning just as the last faint glimmer of light fades from your headlights.
MCF Members...Post & add what you hate [:@]
Ok, I'll post...I hate all these crazy `SpacePosts....when will he stop : ) ?
Monte Of The Month -- March 2007
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,264
From: Woodstock, Ontario, Canada
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
get your own dirt!! lmao!
Close Shave A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.†The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.â€
She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.â€
The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.â€
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.â€[/align]
Close Shave A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.†The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.â€
She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.â€
The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.â€
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.â€[/align]
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
[:-]
What did you say to my wife? Go ahead, say it again....I dare U : )
and all they seen was a pair of boots run'in away in a cloud of dusk
Good One Mod `Wiz : ) LOL
Monte Of The Month -- March 2007
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,264
From: Woodstock, Ontario, Canada
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
Birthday Wife Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"[/align]
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"[/align]
Monte Of The Month -- March 2007
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,264
From: Woodstock, Ontario, Canada
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
Every Last Drop
Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."[/align]
Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."[/align]
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
ORIGINAL: wiz kidd
do you thi9nk they should conisder changing the name of this store??
lol
do you thi9nk they should conisder changing the name of this store??
lol
Mod `Wiz, isn't that the store that Mother's take their sons to, that really wanted a
daughter.....[
]Goes in2 the store a Robert & comes out a Miss Bobbie : )
]Goes in2 the store a Robert & comes out a Miss Bobbie : )Oh WoW...that Hurt : )
[/align]
[/align]
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
[align=center]
[/align][align=center]Do you still have friends that scream out "SHOTGUN", when you go somewhere[/align][align=center]in your Monte Carlo? The Beach Gang goes crazy and will run to the car's passenger side[/align][align=center]and hold onto the passenger side door handle to get the Shotgun seat.[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Please Read the below rules for Monte CarloShotgun Position : )[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding.
Section I
The Basic Rules[*]In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call.
[*]Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle.
[*]. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediantly forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
[*]The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun priviledges from one or more persons.
[ol][/ol]
Section II
Special CasesThese special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precendence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable. [*]In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
[*]If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
[*]In the instance the the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
[*]In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
[*]In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
[*]In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.
[ol][/ol]
Section III
*The Survival of the Fitess Rules * [*][b][size=4]If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fitess Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting I-4, a
[/align][align=center]Do you still have friends that scream out "SHOTGUN", when you go somewhere[/align][align=center]in your Monte Carlo? The Beach Gang goes crazy and will run to the car's passenger side[/align][align=center]and hold onto the passenger side door handle to get the Shotgun seat.[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Please Read the below rules for Monte CarloShotgun Position : )[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding. Section I
The Basic Rules[*]In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call.
[*]Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle.
[*]. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediantly forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
[*]The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun priviledges from one or more persons.
[ol][/ol]
Section II
Special CasesThese special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precendence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable. [*]In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
[*]If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
[*]In the instance the the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
[*]In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
[*]In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
[*]In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.
[ol][/ol]
Section III
*The Survival of the Fitess Rules * [*][b][size=4]If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fitess Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting I-4, a
