Caught in Bed
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"[/align]

 

No toilet paperA little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom.She Said yes.When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so,he used his hand.When he got back to class,his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!'He did and the little boy said,'Oh great,now look what you did,you scared the s*** out of him!"

 

 

lmao!!!!!

 

Very Sensual One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then
started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"[/align]

 

 

An Atheist Walking Through The Woods...
An atheist was walking through the woods... when he stopped and thought: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
Then, as he was walking along the riv er, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him! He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He ran faster when he looked over his shoulder again, and saw that the bear was even closer! He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him... reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped!
The bear froze...
And the forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky...
"You deny my existence for all these years... and try to teach others I don't exist... and even credit creation to a cosmic accident? Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the ligh t, "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said God.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed...
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?

 

[align=center][/align][align=center]Monte Carlo[/align][align=center][/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Yes, I have been eating Donut's, and[/align][align=center]tomorrow, I'll be driving your car to the Donut House,[/align][align=center]while you are sitting in our jail.[/align][align=center]Don't you just love the State of Va. : )[/align]

 

 

LMAO!!! your eyes looked glazed! lmao