- Members Post a Joke : )
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,576
From: wouldnt u like to know
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched the heads.'
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched the heads.'
Monte Of The Month -- March 2007
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,264
From: Woodstock, Ontario, Canada
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
Rough Love Life A man wearing a stovepipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat sits down at a bar and orders a drink.
“Goin’ to a party?” the bartender asks.
“Yeah,” the man replies, “I’m supposed to go dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln.”
“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”[/align]
“Goin’ to a party?” the bartender asks.
“Yeah,” the man replies, “I’m supposed to go dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln.”
“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”[/align]
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 340
From: Portland, Oregon
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
To get the full effect this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. The following is a telephone exchange bewteen a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye...Roon sirbees... morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh... yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What?"
RS: "Ow July den? pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes! Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No... just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad!?"
G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy... tea... meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy... rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye...Roon sirbees... morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh... yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What?"
RS: "Ow July den? pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes! Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No... just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad!?"
G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy... tea... meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy... rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 340
From: Portland, Oregon
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
[align=center]Brain Cramps
[align=left](On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were suppose to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the realease of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in out air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore
"Traditionally, most of Austrailia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we recieved notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, SC.
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Flower, FCC Chairman.
[/align][/align]
[align=left](On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were suppose to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the realease of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in out air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore
"Traditionally, most of Austrailia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we recieved notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, SC.
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Flower, FCC Chairman.
[/align][/align]
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 340
From: Portland, Oregon
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
[align=center]Warning: Rated PG-13 for adult language.
[/align]
[align=center]PRICELESS
[/align]While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the oher side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide..."
The cop then asked, "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?"
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Look on Cop's Face... ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS!
[/align]
[align=center]PRICELESS
[/align]While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the oher side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide..."
The cop then asked, "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?"
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Look on Cop's Face... ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 340
From: Portland, Oregon
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
[align=center]School Daze
[align=left]This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. This is the actual answering machine message for the school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service for your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
*To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
*To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
*To complain about what we do - Press 3
*To swear at staff members - Press 4
*To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
*If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
*If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
*To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
*To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
*To complain about school lunches - Press 0
*If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework and that it's not the teachers fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"
If you can read this - thank a teacher! If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran!
[/align][/align][align=center] [/align]
[align=left]This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. This is the actual answering machine message for the school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service for your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
*To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
*To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
*To complain about what we do - Press 3
*To swear at staff members - Press 4
*To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
*If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
*If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
*To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
*To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
*To complain about school lunches - Press 0
*If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework and that it's not the teachers fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"
If you can read this - thank a teacher! If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran!
[/align][/align][align=center] [/align]
Monte Of The Month -- March 2007
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,264
From: Woodstock, Ontario, Canada
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
Looking For a Miracle A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery.”
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
“Sweetheart, work with me on this,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”[/align]
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
“Sweetheart, work with me on this,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”[/align]
Monte Of The Month -- March 2007
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,264
From: Woodstock, Ontario, Canada
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
God the Engineer
Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”
The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”
The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”[/align]
Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”
The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”
The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”[/align]
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,576
From: wouldnt u like to know
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
An Assignment
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."