- Members Post a Joke : )
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,576
From: wouldnt u like to know
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
A flat tire blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.
HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.
HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
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[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. LOL `Chris LOL.....[/align][align=center]HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied[/align]
[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. LOL `Chris LOL.....[/align][align=center]HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied[/align]
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
[align=center]How 2 Tell where the Driver is From[/align][align=center]
[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
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One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates[/align][align=center]
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[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
[/align][align=center]One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates[/align][align=center]
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 736
From: CFB Petawawa, Ontario, Canada
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
How to identify a Canadian driver:
1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER
8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
9. - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
10. - One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG
1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER
8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
9. - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
10. - One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 736
From: CFB Petawawa, Ontario, Canada
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
[*]+15 C = Vancouverites try to turn on the heat. Manitobans plant gardens.[*]+10 C = Victorians shiver uncontrollably. Winnipeggers sunbathe.[*]+5 C = Italian cars won't start. Winnipeggers drive with the windows down.[*]Zero C = Distilled water freezes. Winnipeg's water gets thicker.[*]-5 C = Torontonians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Manitobans throw on a T-shirt.[*]-15 C = Quebecers begin to evacuate the province. Manitobans go swimming.[*]-20 C = Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat. Manitobans have the last cookout before it gets cold.[*]-25 C = People in Vancouver cease to exist. Manitobans lick flagpoles.[*]-30 C = Calgarians fly away to Mexico. Manitobans throw on a light jacket.[*]-40 C = Hamilton disintegrates. Manitobans rent some videos.[*]-50 C = Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Winnipeg Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.[*]-60 C = Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Manitoban Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.[*]-80 C = Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Winnipeggers pull down their earflaps.[*]-100 C = Ethyl alcohol freezes. Manitobans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.[*]-200 C = Microbial life survives on dairy products. Manitoba cows complain of farmers with cold hands.[*]-300 C = ALL atomic motion stops. Manitobans start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"[*]-400 C = Hell freezes over. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers win the Grey Cup.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 736
From: CFB Petawawa, Ontario, Canada
RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
Ahh hell one more.. Gotta put up a real army one...
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
