( MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION : )
RE: ~ MCF MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION ~
[align=center]Howdy Members[/align][align=center][:-][/align][/align][align=center]
[/align][align=center]I'm back check'in the post on the MCF[/align][align=center]My sister/wife/cousin is read'in `em 2 me : )[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Below, I share my funnie's 2 those member's that have read[/align][align=center]everything else....We are not dumb people : ), but[/align][align=center]we know that Member `Space is a Redneck : ) 4-$ure : )[/align][align=center]EnJoy[/align][align=center][:-][/align][align=center][/align][align=center]American Divorce
If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
[hr]
Ark-N-Saw
A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.
[hr]
Arkansas Scholars
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
[b]Q: Explain one of the
[/align][align=center]I'm back check'in the post on the MCF[/align][align=center]My sister/wife/cousin is read'in `em 2 me : )[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Below, I share my funnie's 2 those member's that have read[/align][align=center]everything else....We are not dumb people : ), but[/align][align=center]we know that Member `Space is a Redneck : ) 4-$ure : )[/align][align=center]EnJoy[/align][align=center][:-][/align][align=center][/align][align=center]American DivorceIf a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
[hr]
Ark-N-Saw
A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.
[hr]
Arkansas Scholars
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
[b]Q: Explain one of the
RE: ~ MCF MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION ~
Atlanta School Board
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
[blockquote]
HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
[/blockquote]Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
[blockquote]
BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
[/blockquote]Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
[blockquote]
BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."
SEED -- verb, past tense.
VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
[/blockquote][align=center]Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
[hr]
[/align][center][b]Attention-Seeking Redneck
What does a red
RE: ~ MCF MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION ~
Bamming in 'Bama
What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?
What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity
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[/align]
Bar... Alabama
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Woodstock, Canada" The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?" This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
RE: ~ MCF MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION ~
Comin' 'Cross the Ohio River
There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, 'Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!'
'Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!' the redneck yelled back.
The buckeye replied, 'Hain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!'
RE: ~ MCF MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION ~
Escape a DWI Rap
Two rednecks are driving their 1970 Monte Carlodown the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror.
Two rednecks are driving their 1970 Monte Carlodown the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror.
'Don't worry!' says the driver to his friend, 'Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!'
They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. 'Have you been drinking?' he asks them.
'Oh no Sir,' replies the driver.
'I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?' the cop asks.
'Oh, no sir,' the drunk answers. 'We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.'
'Well, I've got to ask you,' says the cop, 'What on earth are those things on your forehead?'
'That's easy, Officer,' says the drunk.
'You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!'
RE: ~ MCF MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION ~
[align=center][/align][align=center]Free Sex with Fill Up[/align][align=center]
Two good ol' boys were driving their 07 Monte Carlo SSdown the road when they needed some gas. After a while, they saw a sign that read "Free Sex with Fill-up." They decided to pull in and asked the attendant for a full tank. After he was done, they paid$78,and the attendant started to walk away.
"Wait," the driver yelled, "what about my free sex?" The attendant rolled his eyes and came back to the car.
"Okay, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10."
"6."
"No, the answer was 3. Sorry." As the attendant started to walk off, the passenger asked to guess. The attendant agreed.
"7."
"No, I told you the answer was 3." The driver then sped off.
"I think that game was rigged," said the passenger. "There is no way to win.' [/align][/align][align=center][:-][/align][align=center]
"Uh-uh," the driver said. "My wife won three times last week."[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]
My wife, sure get's Lucky, all the time : )[/align]
Two good ol' boys were driving their 07 Monte Carlo SSdown the road when they needed some gas. After a while, they saw a sign that read "Free Sex with Fill-up." They decided to pull in and asked the attendant for a full tank. After he was done, they paid$78,and the attendant started to walk away.
"Wait," the driver yelled, "what about my free sex?" The attendant rolled his eyes and came back to the car.
"Okay, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10."
"6."
"No, the answer was 3. Sorry." As the attendant started to walk off, the passenger asked to guess. The attendant agreed.
"7."
"No, I told you the answer was 3." The driver then sped off.
"I think that game was rigged," said the passenger. "There is no way to win.' [/align][/align][align=center][:-][/align][align=center]
"Uh-uh," the driver said. "My wife won three times last week."[/align][align=center]
[/align][align=center]My wife, sure get's Lucky, all the time : )[/align]
RE: ~ MCF MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION ~
[align=center]My Sex Education Teacher's,and I was home-schooled : )[/align][align=center]
STRANGE COLLAGE OF ARRESTED TEACHERS WHO HAD SEX WITH STUDENTS [/align]Who was your Teacher ? [
][/align]
STRANGE COLLAGE OF ARRESTED TEACHERS WHO HAD SEX WITH STUDENTS [/align]
by `Space
[align=center][/align][align=center]Who was your Teacher ? [][/align]
RE: ~ MCF MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION ~
You Might Be a Redneck If...
* Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
* Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
* You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
* Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
* There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
* You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
* None of the tires on your van are the same size.
* You hold the hood of the car with your head while you work on it.
* Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
* Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
* Your doghouse and your living room have the same **** carpet.
* You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
* Starting your car involves popping the hood.
* Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
* You whistle at women in church.
* You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
[center]* You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale. [/ce
