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hahahahah good one


check this one

What gets longer when pulled...............

Fits between your boobs..............

Inserts neatly in a hole, and

Works best when jerked..................... ???

A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!...... BUCKLE up and pass it on..

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[align=center]LOL - LOL - LOL[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Ever...ks/3D_hand.gif[/align][align=center]I want a watch like that[/align][align=center]Mod `Wiz, that was great :Dthanks, I needed that : ) :D[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Chris, :DBuckle Up : ) LOL[/align]

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lmao! chris, that was a good one! :)

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Not sure if its been posted yet or not, but here it goes...


Women Drivers
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much that.....

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!!

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lmao!! i've heard that one before, but not on here! awesome joke :) lmao!!

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[align=center][/align][align=center]Two MCFhunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.[/align][align=center]911[/align][align=center]He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” [/align][align=center]There is a silence, then a loudshot is heard. [/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Ever.../Trick_gun.gif[/align][align=center][align=center][/align][/align][align=center]The guy's voice comes back on the line.[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]He says: “OK, now what?"[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Anim...ear_chases.gif[/align][align=center]
[/align]

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lmao!! good one space!








Golf Leprechaun
This golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.[/align]

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Here's something I wrote after years of observation. It's kinda long, but I hope you enjoy it.

Driving Instructions For Women

Preparing Your Car for Driving[/b]
[/b]
Before you begin driving you must properly prepare your car. First, inspect your car thoroughly. Look for important things, like do the windows roll up and down, can you see yourself in the rearview mirror, does the cigarette lighter work, and where does the MP3 player go. Don’t waste valuable time doing useless inspections of things like tires, brakes, and windshield wipers. This time can be better utilized checking out your new BFF’s MySpace.

Next, add the options that make it YOUR car. Of course, you must put as many items hanging from the rearview mirror as can possibly fit. Your tassel from high school graduation is a required item, as is several photos of your boyfriend, bff, dog, and senior prom. All other items are optional, but can include flowers, several lei’s from the last pool party you went to, ALL the beads you caught at Mardi Gras, bandana’s, doo rags, and the top to your favorite bikini. It doesn’t matter what hangs from the mirror, the important thing is to make sure it obstructs as much view through the windshield as possible. At a minimum it must completely obstruct all views from the rearview mirror to the right side of the car.

Of course, no car is completely you without at least half your wardrobe piled in the back seat. This makes it much easier to change clothes while driving. A mixture of clothes and McDonald’s bags of half eaten hamburgers is also a good choice for not only the back seat, but also the passenger side floorboard in the front. Just remember, you must fill up the back seat before piling stuff up in the front.

Driving Your Car[/b]

Now that the car is prepared, it’s time to start driving. Minimum items needed for this important step are a cell phone, make up, cigarettes, several pair of the largest sunglasses you can find, an IPod, MP3 player, several hundred CD’s, a Gameboy and/or Nintendo, and food, which should be anything that can fit in your hand, such as pizza, hamburger, breakfast biscuits, fries, or any type of Mexican food. It doesn’t matter if it takes two hands to hold it. You must practice using as many of these items at one time as you can. The more items you can use while driving the more talented driver you can consider yourself.

Defensive Driving is something you must learn. A common misconception, especially among men, is that defensive driving is watching out for other drivers. WRONG!!! Defensive driving is other drivers watching out for YOU!!! Men are actually taught that it is what is happening outside the car that is important, while all women know it is what’s happening inside the car that is important. I mean, what can be more important than you? With the duty to eat, smoke, put on make up, change CD’s, and talk on the cell phone all at the same time, how can anyone expect you to concentrate on what other people are doing? Defensive driving is easy. Just drive, and let everyone else get out of your way.

Some rules to consider while driving:

You must always drive at least 20 miles per hour over the speed limit, unless there is someone in a hurry behind you, then you must drive 20 miles per hour under the speed limit.

You must always drive in the left hand lane. You do have the option of switching lanes as often as possible, and always as unpredictable as possible.

You can never be more than 2 feet from the rear bumper of the car ahead of you.
If there is a car driving below the speed limit, you must travel side-by-side with them. If you do get slightly ahead or behind

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And just to show I don't discriminate, here's one for the guys:

Driving Instructions For Rednecks

Choosing the Right Vehicle[/b]

It is a common misconception that all rednecks drive trucks. This is simply not true. Any vehicle will do. But, keep two things in mind when choosing the vehicle you plan to drive: If it is a car, it cannot be valued at more than the cheapest gun you own. If it is a truck, it must be the most valuable thing you own, including your house. Even if you have taken the wheels off your house and skirted it with lattice. You can determine the value of your truck by adding up all the things that you have gained through your truck. For example, at every party you go to, park as close to the beer as you can. It is a well known fact that rednecks cannot drink beer without leaning on the bed of a truck. They will then throw their empty cans in the back of your truck, which you can sell the next day. Also, you can count the money you saved on your honeymoon to Toledo Bend Lake when you slept in the truck instead of getting a room at the Jasper Motel and Bait Shop. And, the money the guys at the Mudding Nationals threw to your mom when she flashed them is yours because she was in your truck at the time.

There is one exception to this. There is no way you can be a badass while driving a minivan. Outside the minivan you may be a cross between Royce Gracie and Stone Cold Steve Austin, but when you’re behind the wheel of a minivan, you’re Richard Simmons. Nothing you can do will change that.
[/b]
Preparing Your Vehicle for Driving[/b]
[/b]
Rule #1: You must have at least one mudgrip tire on the vehicle. It doesn’t matter if it’s on the front or rear. And as far as tires, it is not necessary for them to be a matched set. Any tire, any size, and any brand will do. Rule #2: You must have a gun rack in the rear window. This is easy to accomplish in a truck, but can be done in a car with enough duct tape and wire. Rule # 3: You must have a set of steel bull testicles hanging from the rear bumper. Rule #4: You must have a trailer hitch, even if there is no way your vehicle can pull anything. Remember, it doesn’t hurt to try. Rule # 5: You must have the largest bumper you can mount on the front of your vehicle. It can be made out of either pipe or channel iron.

Next, inspect your vehicle thoroughly. Look for important things, like does the driver’s window roll down? The driver’s window must ALWAYS be down, not matter the weather. Can you see half of downtown Houston in the outside rearview mirrors? If not, they’re not big enough. Do cars have to get on the shoulder to pass you to keep from hitting the mirrors? If not, they don’t stick out far enough.


Next, add the options that make it YOUR vehicle. Do you have a half full Styrofoam cup of tobacco spit on the front seat? Don’t worry if you don’t chew, you can always get a cup from your wife or girlfriend. Also, get them to spit out the window at 60 mph so it splatters down the sides and dries there. You are only allowed certain items in the bed of your truck or trunk of your car. These items are household garbage and empty beer cans. You can put a spare tire in there, but only if it’s flat. Some tools are allowed, such as a broken screwdriver, rusted shut crescent wrench, and a pair of channel locks with a broken handle. A tire tool is allowed as long as it’s the wrong size to fit your lug nuts. It is actually for fighting and breaking into your house when you come home late from the beer joint and you’re wife “accidentally” locked you out.

You must have as many bumper stickers as can fit

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And I do want to apologize for the length of those posts!