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-   -   - Members Post a Joke : ) (https://montecarloforum.com/forum/off-topic-5/members-post-joke-4620/)

BeachBumMike 06-05-2007 12:45 PM

- Members Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]http://www.monsterpig.com/MCj04238420000[1].gif[/align][align=center]Members - Post your `Joke[/align][align=center](Must comply with MCF rules)[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Warning[/align][align=center]Some `Jokes may have ADULT THEME[/align][align=center]Something 2 read after you've read[/align][align=center]everything else & Hopefully [/align][align=center]:D:D:D:D:D[/align][align=center]:DLaugh :D[/align][align=center]:D:D:D:D:D[/align][align=center]http://www.basehead.org/files/shots/...anthercopy.jpg[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one... but the light bulb has to want to change.
[/align][align=center]http://www.monsterpig.com/MCj04238420000[1].gif[/align][align=center]__________________________________________[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]:DThis is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody knew that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.:D
[/align][align=center]_________________________________[/align][align=center]http://www.monsterpig.com/MCj04238420000[1].gif[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]

Wish you `Happiness
[/align][align=center]Wish U a Smile[/align][align=center][sm=happybounce.gif][/align][align=center]Members, your turn to Post[/align][align=center]* Only `if your have read all the post topic's[/align][align=center]first : )[/align][align=center][/align]

wiz kidd 06-05-2007 01:05 PM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
LMAO! love the first one ...the bulb has to want to..lol



Jewish Wedding
A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize
it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."

'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex?

Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing!"[/align]

BeachBumMike 06-05-2007 01:14 PM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]Mitzvah - Mitzvah : )[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Hobb...e_dances_5.gif[/align][align=center]Was that a G Rated Joke : )[/align][align=center]LMAO[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Oh - Oh[/align]

Laserblue06ss 06-05-2007 02:26 PM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
A Doctor, a Minister, and an Engineer decided to play a game of golf one afternoon.They went to an upscale country club to play their game.

The first two holes went well,but on the third hole they were held up waiting for a group of about ten golfers.They waited patiently,but the group ahead of them was really slow and having all kinds of problems hitting the ball,etc.

This continued on the fourth,fifth and sixth holes as well.Finally,the three of them went to complain to the manager.The manager explained to them that the large group in front of them were volunteer firefighters that lost their sight fighting a terrible blaze at the clubhouse years ago.The club let these blind firefighters play golf there for free whenever they chose to just to show their appreciation for their sacrifice.

Hearing this story,the Minister said "Those poor brave men.This Sunday I will have my congregation say a special prayer for them."

The Doctor said "I will check with the best eye specialists I know of to see if something can be done to restore their sight."

The Engineer said " WHY can't these guys play at NIGHT??????"

wiz kidd 06-05-2007 03:00 PM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
lol! hey, yah why not? haha...they could play @ night! hahah

BeachBumMike 06-05-2007 06:07 PM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]DAVID,. . . LOL . . . , the Beach Gang gives you[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]TWO THUMBS `UP [sm=smiley20.gif] [sm=smiley20.gif][/align][align=center][/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Jobs...irefighter.gifhttp://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp...ot_light_2.gif http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Spor...olf_button.gif[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Jobs...re_truck_2.gif[/align][align=center]Love the `punch line "Why can't these guys play @ night ? : )"[/align][align=center][/align][align=center][/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Spor...f/Golfer_2.gifhttp://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp...ot_light_2.gif[/align][align=center]Thanks for Post'in [/align][align=center]Gang is LOL[/align][align=center]:eek:[/align]

BeachBumMike 06-06-2007 06:08 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one... but the light bulb has to want to change.
[/align][align=center]http://www.monsterpig.com/MCj04238420000[1].gif[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp...lb_flashes.gif...But `Doc, I don't want to change[/align][align=center]I'm bright & lite up people's[/align][align=center]life.[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Jobs...s_doctor_2.gif....So, U think your `Bright ?[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp...lb_flashes.gif....Yes, I emit a soft beautiful glow whenever I'm on :D[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Jobs...s_doctor_2.gif....So you like being `Turned on ?[/align][align=center]How does that make your `FEEL ?[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp...ights_up_2.gif....Yes, I love it when people turn me on : ) I love it when[/align][align=center]they pull my Chain or flick my Switch :D[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp...ght_switch.gif....On....Off....On....off ..Off...`OFF : ) Oh WoW....[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp...Bulb_man_2.gif....Stop it `Doc..U turn me `off[/align][align=center]I don't want 2 change...[/align][align=center]Doc, I think U are burned `out ![/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Jobs...s_doctor_2.gif[/align][align=center][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp...ght_switch.gif....On....Off....On....off ..Off...`OFF : ) Oh WoW....[/align][/align][align=center]http://www.monsterpig.com/MCj04238420000[1].gif[/align]

BeachBumMike 06-06-2007 08:05 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]http://www.patfischerchevrolet.com/h...rolet_logo.gif[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. [/align][align=center][/align][align=center]"I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. [/align][align=center][/align][align=center]"The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it." [/align][align=center][/align][align=center]"So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]"The bad news is that you've won the pole position herefor next Saturday's race.":D[/align][align=center]
[/align]
[align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Reli...ngel_woman.gif[/align][align=center]Wish you `Happiness[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Religious/Angels/No.gif[/align][align=center]No Ricer's permitted : )[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]http://www.streetracinggallery.com/i...ch-civicSM.jpg[/align][align=center][X(][X(][X(][/align][align=center]Where are the Ricer's suppose to go ?[/align][align=center][sm=badbadbad.gif][/align][align=center]Come down here Ricer's[/align][align=center]we have some very Hot Rac'in : )[/align]

wiz kidd 06-06-2007 10:27 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
The Schitt Family
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt[/align]

BeachBumMike 06-06-2007 11:27 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]:eek:Mod `Wiz Kidd, your post joke was a Crock O. Schitt :eek:[/align][align=center]LMAO[/align][align=center]:D:)[:-][/align][align=center][:o]...Oh Schitt[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Come on `Member's U can post funnier `Schitt then that : )[/align][align=center]LOL[/align]
[/align][align=center]
[/align]

rj 06-06-2007 05:31 PM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
Josh,

Your last post was fuuny.

I've met a distant cousin of the Schitt family, Feal Ike Schitt.

Feal was in business with two other guys, Mr. Hitts, and Mr. Thee.

It's the Schitt, Hitts, Thee Fan company.


wiz kidd 06-07-2007 07:54 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
LMAO!!! HAHA good one rj!

BeachBumMike 06-07-2007 08:10 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
:eek:RJ, what Mod Wiz said : ) LOL.....Two thumbs up : )
RJ, I love your new sig....Looks Awesome : )

rj 06-07-2007 07:07 PM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
RJ, I love your new sig....Looks Awesome : )


Thanks Space. :)

I took the offer for the FREE sigs made by the girlfriend of the MCF member who offered a month or so ago. She did a great job.


BeachBumMike 06-08-2007 07:22 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]AMonte Carlo driverruns a red light http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Tran...ght_button.gif[/align][align=center]and is photographed by an automated police camera.[/align][align=center][sm=Flahssssss.gif][/align][align=center]In the mail, a short time later, he receives a photo of his car [/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp.../mail_slot.gif[/align][align=center]committing the infraction and a citation for $60. [/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Instead of paying the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills. [/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Comp...uter_money.gif[/align][align=center]Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. [/align][align=center][sm=Flahssssss.gif][/align][align=center]Inside is a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Jobs...Hand_cuffs.gif[/align]
Oh-OH
Smart-Ass
And the motto of this story is
"Don't mess with the one that can take your freedom away"
[align=center][align=center]http://www.monsterpig.com/MCj04238420000[1].gif[/align]
[/align]

wiz kidd 06-08-2007 07:41 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
lmao! good one space! that would be funny!







Tough Surgery
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”

“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.

“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”

“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.

“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!” [/align]

rj 06-08-2007 06:29 PM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
HA! (lmao)


BeachBumMike 06-09-2007 08:59 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
A banker is proudly driving his brand-new 2007 Monte Carlo SSaround New York City. On reaching his destination, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side.
Just as he opens the door, a taxicab slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The cabby drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred.
A policeman who witnesses the whole thing walks up to the banker, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myyy gaaawdd! Look what that idiot did to my Brandnew Monte Carlo SS!!!!!!!!!![X(]
The cop looks at the banker, shakes his head, and says, "You bankers are so damn materialistic! Here you are whining about your expensive Monte Carlo SS, and you don't even realize the cab tore off your arm!"
The banker looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myyy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone!"[X(]


wiz kidd 06-09-2007 09:36 PM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
lmao!!!









Stick Up A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!" [/align]

wiz kidd 06-11-2007 10:11 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
New Watch
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…"

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn—this thing must be an hour fast!"[/align]

scc24540 06-11-2007 10:25 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
hahahahah good one


check this one

What gets longer when pulled...............

Fits between your boobs..............

Inserts neatly in a hole, and

Works best when jerked..................... ???

A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!...... BUCKLE up and pass it on..

BeachBumMike 06-11-2007 10:31 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]LOL - LOL - LOL[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Ever...ks/3D_hand.gif[/align][align=center]I want a watch like that[/align][align=center]Mod `Wiz, that was great :Dthanks, I needed that : ) :D[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Chris, :DBuckle Up : ) LOL[/align]

wiz kidd 06-11-2007 10:59 AM

RE: - Post a Joke : )
 
lmao! chris, that was a good one! :)

76MonteMan 06-11-2007 07:34 PM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
Not sure if its been posted yet or not, but here it goes...


Women Drivers
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much that.....

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!!


wiz kidd 06-11-2007 09:05 PM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
lmao!! i've heard that one before, but not on here! awesome joke :) lmao!!

BeachBumMike 06-12-2007 05:34 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center][/align][align=center]Two MCFhunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.[/align][align=center]911[/align][align=center]He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” [/align][align=center]There is a silence, then a loudshot is heard. [/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Ever.../Trick_gun.gif[/align][align=center][align=center][/align][/align][align=center]The guy's voice comes back on the line.[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]He says: “OK, now what?"[/align][align=center]http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Anim...ear_chases.gif[/align][align=center]
[/align]

wiz kidd 06-12-2007 07:25 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
lmao!! good one space!








Golf Leprechaun
This golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.[/align]

rchurch 06-12-2007 08:53 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
Here's something I wrote after years of observation. It's kinda long, but I hope you enjoy it.

Driving Instructions For Women

Preparing Your Car for Driving[/b]
[/b]
Before you begin driving you must properly prepare your car. First, inspect your car thoroughly. Look for important things, like do the windows roll up and down, can you see yourself in the rearview mirror, does the cigarette lighter work, and where does the MP3 player go. Don’t waste valuable time doing useless inspections of things like tires, brakes, and windshield wipers. This time can be better utilized checking out your new BFF’s MySpace.

Next, add the options that make it YOUR car. Of course, you must put as many items hanging from the rearview mirror as can possibly fit. Your tassel from high school graduation is a required item, as is several photos of your boyfriend, bff, dog, and senior prom. All other items are optional, but can include flowers, several lei’s from the last pool party you went to, ALL the beads you caught at Mardi Gras, bandana’s, doo rags, and the top to your favorite bikini. It doesn’t matter what hangs from the mirror, the important thing is to make sure it obstructs as much view through the windshield as possible. At a minimum it must completely obstruct all views from the rearview mirror to the right side of the car.

Of course, no car is completely you without at least half your wardrobe piled in the back seat. This makes it much easier to change clothes while driving. A mixture of clothes and McDonald’s bags of half eaten hamburgers is also a good choice for not only the back seat, but also the passenger side floorboard in the front. Just remember, you must fill up the back seat before piling stuff up in the front.

Driving Your Car[/b]

Now that the car is prepared, it’s time to start driving. Minimum items needed for this important step are a cell phone, make up, cigarettes, several pair of the largest sunglasses you can find, an IPod, MP3 player, several hundred CD’s, a Gameboy and/or Nintendo, and food, which should be anything that can fit in your hand, such as pizza, hamburger, breakfast biscuits, fries, or any type of Mexican food. It doesn’t matter if it takes two hands to hold it. You must practice using as many of these items at one time as you can. The more items you can use while driving the more talented driver you can consider yourself.

Defensive Driving is something you must learn. A common misconception, especially among men, is that defensive driving is watching out for other drivers. WRONG!!! Defensive driving is other drivers watching out for YOU!!! Men are actually taught that it is what is happening outside the car that is important, while all women know it is what’s happening inside the car that is important. I mean, what can be more important than you? With the duty to eat, smoke, put on make up, change CD’s, and talk on the cell phone all at the same time, how can anyone expect you to concentrate on what other people are doing? Defensive driving is easy. Just drive, and let everyone else get out of your way.

Some rules to consider while driving:

You must always drive at least 20 miles per hour over the speed limit, unless there is someone in a hurry behind you, then you must drive 20 miles per hour under the speed limit.

You must always drive in the left hand lane. You do have the option of switching lanes as often as possible, and always as unpredictable as possible.

You can never be more than 2 feet from the rear bumper of the car ahead of you.
If there is a car driving below the speed limit, you must travel side-by-side with them. If you do get slightly ahead or behind

rchurch 06-12-2007 09:05 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
And just to show I don't discriminate, here's one for the guys:

Driving Instructions For Rednecks

Choosing the Right Vehicle[/b]

It is a common misconception that all rednecks drive trucks. This is simply not true. Any vehicle will do. But, keep two things in mind when choosing the vehicle you plan to drive: If it is a car, it cannot be valued at more than the cheapest gun you own. If it is a truck, it must be the most valuable thing you own, including your house. Even if you have taken the wheels off your house and skirted it with lattice. You can determine the value of your truck by adding up all the things that you have gained through your truck. For example, at every party you go to, park as close to the beer as you can. It is a well known fact that rednecks cannot drink beer without leaning on the bed of a truck. They will then throw their empty cans in the back of your truck, which you can sell the next day. Also, you can count the money you saved on your honeymoon to Toledo Bend Lake when you slept in the truck instead of getting a room at the Jasper Motel and Bait Shop. And, the money the guys at the Mudding Nationals threw to your mom when she flashed them is yours because she was in your truck at the time.

There is one exception to this. There is no way you can be a badass while driving a minivan. Outside the minivan you may be a cross between Royce Gracie and Stone Cold Steve Austin, but when you’re behind the wheel of a minivan, you’re Richard Simmons. Nothing you can do will change that.
[/b]
Preparing Your Vehicle for Driving[/b]
[/b]
Rule #1: You must have at least one mudgrip tire on the vehicle. It doesn’t matter if it’s on the front or rear. And as far as tires, it is not necessary for them to be a matched set. Any tire, any size, and any brand will do. Rule #2: You must have a gun rack in the rear window. This is easy to accomplish in a truck, but can be done in a car with enough duct tape and wire. Rule # 3: You must have a set of steel bull testicles hanging from the rear bumper. Rule #4: You must have a trailer hitch, even if there is no way your vehicle can pull anything. Remember, it doesn’t hurt to try. Rule # 5: You must have the largest bumper you can mount on the front of your vehicle. It can be made out of either pipe or channel iron.

Next, inspect your vehicle thoroughly. Look for important things, like does the driver’s window roll down? The driver’s window must ALWAYS be down, not matter the weather. Can you see half of downtown Houston in the outside rearview mirrors? If not, they’re not big enough. Do cars have to get on the shoulder to pass you to keep from hitting the mirrors? If not, they don’t stick out far enough.


Next, add the options that make it YOUR vehicle. Do you have a half full Styrofoam cup of tobacco spit on the front seat? Don’t worry if you don’t chew, you can always get a cup from your wife or girlfriend. Also, get them to spit out the window at 60 mph so it splatters down the sides and dries there. You are only allowed certain items in the bed of your truck or trunk of your car. These items are household garbage and empty beer cans. You can put a spare tire in there, but only if it’s flat. Some tools are allowed, such as a broken screwdriver, rusted shut crescent wrench, and a pair of channel locks with a broken handle. A tire tool is allowed as long as it’s the wrong size to fit your lug nuts. It is actually for fighting and breaking into your house when you come home late from the beer joint and you’re wife “accidentally” locked you out.

You must have as many bumper stickers as can fit

rchurch 06-12-2007 09:11 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
And I do want to apologize for the length of those posts!

wiz kidd 06-12-2007 09:48 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
http://emuse.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/23969/


i love mcdonalds fries, but wow! can't believe that...the burgers are just gross

msjoker 06-12-2007 07:54 PM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


Because he was dead!



One evening an old surgeon and his wife were at home watching television. The phone rang and he answered it to hear the voice ofanotherdoctor friend,"Hey c'mon over, we need a 4th for poker."Speaking quietly he replied "I'll be there right away." His wife asked, "So, how bad is it??"
His answer.."Very bad, in fact 3 doctors are there already."


BeachBumMike 06-13-2007 06:23 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]http://www.lifeisajoke.com/Images/logocompressed.jpg[/align][align=center]http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h1...iderman/Me.gif[/align][align=center]Sometimes, Life's a Bad Joke[/align][align=center]Wish you a Funny Day[/align][align=center]Smile & EnJoy[/align][align=center]Whose in[/align][align=center]control of[/align][align=center]you[/align][align=center]?[/align][align=center]http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h1...n/classics.gif[/align][align=center]Now, gobe `Happy : )[/align][align=center]Oh, If you don't have a `joke to post :D[/align][align=center]Post your picture :D[/align][align=center]or R U afraid that you are not as good look'in as me : )[/align][align=center][/align]

wiz kidd 06-13-2007 07:37 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
Vietnam Story
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. “My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says one boy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”

“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.

“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s drinking.” [/align]

BeachBumMike 06-13-2007 01:35 PM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s drinking.”
[/align]

Mod `Wiz, LOL....My grandfather even liked that one : )
He's a Vietnam `Vet :D

BeachBumMike 06-14-2007 05:48 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 



You Know You Have Too Much
Horsepower When
[align=center]
[:-]No such thing as 2 much HP [:-][/align][align=center][/align]
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.

2. You can't drive your car in the rain.

3. Your "significant other" is afraid to drive your car.

4. You are afraid to drive your car.

5. You spend more on tires than on food.

6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.

8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.

9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.

10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.

12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.

15. You arrive somewhere before you left.

16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.

18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

22. You need parachute braking.

23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.

24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)

26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.

27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!

28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)

29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)

30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.



[align=center][/align]

BeachBumMike 06-14-2007 11:24 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
[:-]MCF DRIVER'S TEST [:-]
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't get my license plate number!

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your Car orput on your `fog glasses : )

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Being too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'd lose my buzz, my car, my job, my insurance, my money, my everything

Q: How would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked?

A: I'd have to drive illegally.

Q: What is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed?

A: If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello".
If the driver is an azzhole, give'em the finger : )

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color. duuuh : )

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics, booze, sex, rock & roll, badsmoke, cruise control : )



http://www.geocities.com/pontiacgto1...rican-flag.gif
[/align]








geovisit();

wiz kidd 06-14-2007 12:40 PM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 

ORIGINAL: SpaceRider

[align=center]

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!

[/align][align=center][/align][align=center][/align][align=center]lmao!!! i like this one :)[/align]

wiz kidd 06-15-2007 09:53 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
Moose Hunting Tom & Mal went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, Tom said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Mal shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

Tom says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."



lmao!!

BeachBumMike 06-15-2007 10:06 AM

RE: - Members Post a Joke : )
 
[align=center]Mod Wiz, the Beach Gang & I give you two thumbs Up :DLaugh'in our Butt's Off : ) :)[/align][align=center]Ouch ! That Hurt : )[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]I'm in Lovehttp://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Anim...oose/Moose.gif http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Jobs...s/Sea_sick.gif...I'm not[/align][align=center] [/align][align=center][/align][align=center]LOL[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]I'll never do that again [X(]No more hunt'in for me : )[/align]


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