What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he ag reed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and e xcitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

 

Changing the oil[/b][align=left] [/align][align=left] [/align]Oil Change Instructions for Women:[align=left] [/align]1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.[align=left] [/align]2) Drink a cup of coffee.[align=left] [/align]3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. [align=left] [/align][align=left] [/align]Money spent:[align=left] [/align]Oil Change $20.00[align=left] [/align]Coffee $1.00[align=left] [/align]Total $21.0[align=left] [/align][align=left] [/align]Oil Change Instructions for Men:[align=left] [/align]1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.[align=left] [/align]2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.[align=left] [/align]3) Open a beer and drink it.[align=left] [/align]4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.[align=left] [/align]5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.[align=left] [/align]6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.[align=left] [/align]7) Place drain pan under engine.[align=left] [/align]8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.[align=left] [/align]9) Give up and use crescent wrench.[align=left] [/align]10) Unscrew drain plug.[align=left] [/align]11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.[align=left] [/align]12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.[align=left] [/align]13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.[align=left] [/align]14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.[align=left] [/align]15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.[align=left] [/align]16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.[align=left] [/align]17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.[align=left] [/align]18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.[align=left] [/align]19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.[align=left] [/align]20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.[align=left] [/align]21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.[align=left] [/align]22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.[align=left] [/align]23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.[align=left] [/align]24) Remember drain plug from step 11.[align=left] [/align]25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.[align=left] [/align]26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.[align=left] [/align]27) Drink beer.[align=left] [/align]28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. [align=left] [/align]29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.[align=left] [/align]30) Drink beer.[align=left] [/align]31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.[align=left] [/align]32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.[align=left] [/align]33) Begin cussing fit.[align=left] [/align]34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.[align=left] [/align]35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.[align=left] [/align]36) Beer.[align=left] [/align]37) Clean up

 

 

pg 13 joke! lol




Smart Bird

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20.
Just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if
I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the
door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"[/align]

 

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.

Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.



She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her hu

 

The Love Story of Ralph and EdnaTHE LOVE STORY OF RALPH & EDNA

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day...
While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."
Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
"How soon can I go home?

 

Man of the House


A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The undertaker,” she replied.[/align]

 

Madonna, Britney and Christina

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."[/align]

 

WW III


Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!" [/align]

 

[align=center][/align][align=center]LOL ~ LOL[/align][align=center]WW III Joke Rated A+[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]Plane Joke Rated A +++[/align][align=center]by[/align][align=center]the Beach `Bum's [/align][align=center] [/align]