Note from Administrator "Taz"
The following post contains sensitive subject matter, and may not be appropriate for children. Considering the seriousness of this subject, please be mature in your responses. This is not a subject for joking around, or immature replies.




I have posted many times about my past dealing with depression, suicide attempts, and the dealings with my father. My father is an alcoholic, a pedophile, a homosexual. With the exception of the last six years or so he has abused me physically (not sexually), emotionally, financially, and psychologically all my life. When I finally stopped contact with him my life has greatly improved. No more depression drugs and no more thoughts of ending my life. I'm enjoying life with Susan and my three little girls.

My problem is this. I have four siblings and four to five years ago the last one cut off all contact with my father. He has had no contact with any of his kids for about five years now and the only family contact has been an occasional call to my grandmother. He calls my mothers mother. His own parents are deceased. My father has never admitted to having a problem except in cases when an admission was used to get someone to drop their defences so that he could get the upper hand to take advantage again.
About a year ago I began thinking that five years of no contact might be enough time for him to begin to realize that he was wrong and I wanted to extend an olive branch and see if maybe I and then my children could have a relation ship with him. I began searching for him to no avail. I thought he was in the Cocoa Beach area of Florida but could not verify that. My father is 71 years old and I know that he doesn't have a lot of years left. Anyway I had a conversation with my mother a few weeks ago at my birthday party and she revealed to me that she had talked to Memere and that my father had called her and was complaining that he had been arrested and that no one had bailed him out. I figured he had finally been busted for driving under the influence. I did an Internet search for his arrest and found that he had been arrested last year for burglary of an occupied building. That blew me away. I found out that he had been convicted and sentenced to probation. I also found his address and was making plans to go visit that address in a few weeks when Susan finishes school. Sunday I went to see my new granddaughter and told my daughter of my plans. She went onto her computer and found some new info. She found that he is facing new charges. He has been arrested again for violation of probation, trespassing, burglary of an unoccupied building. He is currently in the Brevard County Jail.
I talked to my youngest sister yesterday and she wanted to know when I was going to visit him. I said I didn't know that I was going to. She said that he is mentally ill and needs help.
My issue is that I don't think that his isolation from his family has taught him anything. He has gone from abusing his family to abusing others. I'm not sure that I should renew contact and possibly bring my past rushing back as well as open myself up to new abuse and also introduce my new family to the abuse he subjected my exwife and two older kids too. I'm conflicted and not sure how to proceed with this. Any comments would be welcome. Thanks Gregg.

 

I dont have much to say, but i think it might be in the best interest for your new family to not make contact with him. It is obvious he has problems and i just dont think getting you and your family involved will solve much. Might just bring you back to where you were years ago and i dont think you'd want that.

 

Thank you Keane for your reply. What you said is what my head tells me. It is my heart that wants to reach out and make things all right. Of course it is my heart that always allowed him to abuse me when I became an adult and could have walked away. I'm conflicted.

 

As bad as it sounds He is your father he is the one that made it so your here today so your heart will always have a place for him, no matter what he had done to you in the past, your heart says forgive and forget but your brain is telling you to turn and run, with him beign in jail, is a big red flag that nothing has changed

You really have to weigh your options on everything, and really can you mentally handle him coming back into your life, realistically right now you should listen to your brain, Do what is right for your mental health, and what will benefit you and your family the most in the long run

 

I agree with Kaene and Justin. And another thing you should think about is bringing your daughters and your wife around him, not sure what that would do to them even. he is your dad, but his choices and decisions have brought him to where he is, if he wants to change and be a different person he still can, but with him being in jail and not trying to contact you or you family for 5 years it doesn't sound like it.
Hopefully you can make a good decision Gregg!

 

Hi `Gregg,
I'm sorry to read about your past tragic life.., and present issues.
I know that our Forum is a Automotive Forum, but the MCF has become a Family Forum with a variety of topic's/issues etc.

I try to help everyone that I can, but your issues are way beyond my capabilities and I believe our members.(Unless they are professionals in this field)


I respectfully suggest that you seek Professional advice on your issue's...It's to important to you & family not to.

Below is a link that may help, or they could advise you where to seek the help that you need.

Quote:

Mental Health America: How do I find treatment?

Quote:

<CITE>www.nmha.org › Home › Health Info › Frequently Asked Questions</CITE>Cached - Similar

The following resources can be used to help you find mental health treatment ... provide detailed information to help you choose a mental health professional and to ... If you, or someone you know is in crisis, please seek help immediately.

1. Welcome to the Mental Health Forum <~ Click

1. [*]
2. [*]
3. [*]
4. [*]
5. [*]
6. [*]

I wish you the best in finding a resolutions to these problems and issues in your life.
Sincerely `Space.

 

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate the feedback. My father has made the choices that has put him where he is now. He has gone from having everything to now having lost most everything. I know all this. Everyone in my family has told him to cease contact with them five years ago. He has burned those bridges badly. I just felt that as the oldest and that I have a new beginning that I should try to do something. I am however thinking that my own mental health is more important than chasing what is probably a lost cause.

 

I'm sorry for everything that has happened, but personally if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't even try to get up with him. He made his bed over the years, now he must lay in it.

 

I have been through something similiar. All of us (6 brothers / sisters) have stopped talking to our parents (Father / Step mother) for some years now. They were just bigots and lived for themselves, we were in foster homes, he got us back but the step mom made life hell. And our dad for the most part let it go on as he had to sleep with her. Years back I said well I will re-establish contact with them and it was cool for a couple of visits only to see they never really changed. So my then wife Lisa and I said WOW, no more of that as it brought unwanted tension to our life. And now they are just living their own life what ever it may be. He is in his late 70's now, again sometimes I think I should say hello, but never do. Is my life better off, who knows, I just know it's one less issue I have to deal with in my life. Something inside me says I miss him and something else inside me says he does not miss me. And perhaps you too will enable yourself to be used again if he see's you cave in..........Ahh thats my boy, knew he could not stand to see his ol man suffer, Quick bail me out, give me a place to sleep, now wheres that bottle, and I need a ride to my probation officer tomorrow...it could be relentless and for what. You owe your family and yourself a life, he made his bed now he can lie in it as they say out here.

 

LOL you stole my phrase about the bed thing, guess great minds think alike......