Assisting others...
 

Why is asking for and/or accepting the help of others so seemingly taboo?

I'm exhausted and so tired I can't even sleep, which is not good, since I have to be at work Thursday and Friday. But, trying to do my best to help my parents at home after their surgeries (Mom donated a kidney to Dad), while doing what I need to do ... and trying to make my sister understand that I AM helping Dad and Mom ... is starting to grate on my nerves. I love helping Dad and Mom, especially after the sacrifices they have made, but when they won't LET me help them as my sister insists I need to ... it frustrates me.

Thus the somewhat re-worded, semi-rhetorical query I posed to start this post:
When did asking for and/or accepting the help of others become so seemingly taboo ... and, why IS it taboo?

OR...is it just perception? After all, helping others is a hallmark of society, human nature, and the "good" in people. Yet, asking for and/or accepting help from others is viewed by some as a weakness...as something taboo...as something we shouldn't do because we should be self-sustaining....

Irony rocks.



Cort:34swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve&pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.legos.HO.models.MCs.RTs.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"Why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you & me" ... Coolio ... 'Gangsta's Paradise'

RE: Assisting others...
 

Hi Cort, Maybe the below will help with understanding.[align=center](Wish your parents a speedy recovery)[/align]Theories about helping other's
Explanations>Theories >Theories about helping others
[align=center]Here are academic theories about how we seek to help other people.[/align][ul][*][align=center]Contact Hypothesis: bringing enemies together increases understanding. [/align][*][align=center]Equity Theory: we are happiest when give and take are equal. [/align][*][align=center]Empathy-Altruism Hypothesis: if we feel empathy we are likely to help. [/align][*][align=center]Love: there are several styles of love. [/align][*][align=center]Politeness Theory: we act politely or rudely depending on whether we care. [/align][*][align=center]Prosocial Behavior: we sometimes help without need for reward. [/align][*][align=center]Social Exchange Theory: perception of relationships depends on fairness perception. [/align][*][align=center]Terminating relationships: relationships break down in stages. [/align][*][align=center]Reciprocity Norm: we need to return another's favor. [/align][/ul][align=center]Values[/align][align=center]Theories about conforming[/align][align=center]Theories about friendship[/align][align=center][/align][align=center]"To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly." - or until`Space ends -[/align][align=center]Space is little bit of everything above, but is more likeprosocial Behavoir as taught by my[/align][align=center]mentor/grandfather : )[/align]

RE: Assisting others...
 

Hey Cort, sorry you're having to deal with that...

I don't know, I think having to ask for help is always difficult, but there is times where it can't be avoided.

I can't say that I'm experiencing this first hand, but perhaps second hand?

My brother is in a wheelchair, and has been all his life. I'll try and help, or make suggestions, and he flat out refuses, makes excuses, or just plain ignores the suggestions. As infuriating as this is, of course I still love him, but why refuse help when he knows he can't, or simply WONT do it?


There's proof of human kindness from the beginning. Cavemen with boken/useless limbs that probably wouldn't have survived without assistance. This is probably one of the reasonswhy we aren't living on a planet of apes.

But I totally agree, lately it's like les and less people will accept help, and God forbid someone actually offers it to them! I have no problem with either, if I don't need it I will politely refuse, but thank them for the gesture.

Do you think it's better to offer and get the nasty response (like they think it's an insult) or simply not offer it from the start?

RE: Assisting others...
 

I hope your parents are doing better. Your Mother giving a kidney to your Dad is proof of the love that is in your family. I get the same thing from my family. I became guardian and conservtor of my sister. She has dialisys 3x a week. More than that wrong with her. My parents are in there 90's. My Dad is SOOOO independent, it's hard. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. PRIDE is the MAJORITY of the problem we have. We are taught that we MUST be independent, or we are useless.
I could get real religious right here, but I'll just say that I'm thankful that you are MORE than willing to help your family without anything in return, because THATS what God expects us to do. Pray for peace and comfort for you AND your family.

RE: Assisting others...
 

once ur older idk if its really pride or feeling of accopmplishment...i want to be able to do stuff for myself when i am older and i want to feel like im bein productive and take care of myself at least somewhat

RE: Assisting others...
 

I think it is better to at least offer ... because that shows you care.....



And, thank you each of you ... I appreciate your posts and thoughts....


After re-reading my first post in this thread, I need to clarify a couple of things....

First, I typed this when I was extremely exhausted; so, reading it over again, it seems like I'm complaining/more frustrated than I really am...if that makes sense....

Second, my sister IS helping. I didn't mean to imply that she isn't, and I sincerely apologize if it came across like that. She stays with Mom and Dad during the day while I'm at work. She is able to be home the next couple weeks because she has a company laptop and can do most of her work from home.

What frustrates me is that, at night and over the weekends, my sister goes home to her husband (her support system), have fun, socialize with their friends, get a good night's sleep, etc. Meanwhile, I come home from a long day at work, and I'm still "on duty" 24/7 to help Mom and Dad when they need it. So, I don't get much "good" sleep, etc. etc. etc. As I noted originally, I LOVE helping Mom and Dad...and I love my family dearly, so that's not an issue. My sister just seems to have a knack for helping in ways that I can't...and then make me feel as if I'm not doing all I should be. I HIGHLY DOUBT she does that on purpose; it's just the way it comes across to me, with my lonely/odd point of view ;).

*shrugs*

It's difficult to put into typed words, let alone spoken words, exactly how I'm feeling. Luckily, I know that once Dad and Mom have their follow-up appointments on Monday (which, of course, my sister will take them to), we will know how much longer they will need someone with them 24/7. Once that period has passed, things will get back to normal.

*pauses*

But, all this was NOT the point of my post ... and seems ya'll got that ;). Yes, it was based around what is happening with Dad and Mom, but, the POINT of the post is the observation that I see more and more in all aspects of life ... people WANTING to help others, but those that need help, not wanting to accept or ask for it ... myself included on BOTH ends of that. And, in a way, I think that's sad....



Cort:34swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve&pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.legos.HO.models.MCs.RTs.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"When we stand together, it's our finest hour" ... The Judds ... 'Love Can Build A Bridge'

RE: Assisting others...
 

I've noticed that a lot of people, especially older people, don't want to ask for help. Some say they don't want to be a burden. But for too many, it's a matter of pride and control.

It's in our nature to want to be in total control of our lives. Admitting that you need help is like admitting you don't have complete control of your life. This is most common with money, health, and addiction problems. Some people say it goes back to the rules of the jungle, and basic instincts. Only the strong survive. The lame are left behind and sacrificed. But in addition to that, in we alsohave those who don't want to offer help because they don't want to admit the finality of life. It's hard for some to see someone you respect and looked up to in their final days, frail and weak. They would rather just stay away and remember the person the way they were.

What your mom did for your dad is tremendous, and shows the love she has for him. It was very generous of her, and shows what a kind and loving person she is. Hopefully, your mom and dad are doing better real soon. Keep us posted.
:)

RE: Assisting others...
 

And, oh how I get that. Instances like that are definitely not good situations, no matter how you look at it....

I saw Gram (Mom's mom) in such a frail state that it shocked me. The night she died, she called her kids and, from what I've been told, begged them to come see her. Us grandkids didn't know about this until the following morning ... after she had died. Mom and Aunt Chris were called in the wee hours of Monday morning...and they made a beeline to Mt Morris, first, to pick up Gramps, then to the hospital. Gram died when they were less than 5 minutes away from the hospital. I know Mom and Aunt Chris have felt guilty about this ever since, but as a good family friend told us ... Gram knew how we all felt about her, and it didn't matter if we were there to say goodbye before she died or not ... she knew we all loved (er, still love) her dearly and she loved us all dearly... and not coming to that hospital earlier that night was never going to change that. He also told us about how he had seen his Mom the night she died ... and, unfortunately, he still sees her as that frail woman in the bed ... not the vibrant woman he knew. And, I guess, in a way, I'm glad I didn't see Gram that last night, even though ... well, it hurts.

*sighs*


*nods*

Thank you, Taz. I think they are making progress, even though they don't think so. Their follow-up appointment is Monday, so we'll see then.



Cort:34swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve&pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.legos.HO.models.MCs.RTs.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"You have to try again" ... Janie Fricke ... 'You Don't Know Love'

RE: Assisting others...
 

Let no one rain on your parade Cort... While at the same time,avoidconflict.

Your parents need peace and a very positive environment to heal. It should be everyone's job that surrounds them to create the most peaceful,loving, enjoyable environment humanly possible so that their (your parent's) bodies are as relaxed and stress free as possible to promote the natural & supernatural healing and good health.

Theyshould not feel or sense your's or your sister's tension, and more importantly, they should ever hear it.

Illness in a love one, often brings on fear, tension, nervousness by all involved. But the one or ones that suffer the most are the ones that need the help the most. They feel as if they are a burden and it effects there healing.

It is your's and your sister's job to be as positive minded, and positive spirited as I know you can. You should focus on seeing them healthy and not on their healing.Forget the healing... That will come naturally and supernaturally if you seethem as healthy. Faiththe size of a mustard seed can movea mountain into the sea. But the focus is not on moving the moutain, rather on seeing the mountain already in the sea. So close your eyes and see your parents sitting with you healthy and strong. See them walking with you along a beach at sunset, and the four of you (you, your parents, and your sister) enjoying the sound of the water and the shear beauty of scene.

If one focuses on healing, knowing it or not,they draw attention to the weakness rather than the strength. In other words, one should not pray, "Oh please heal," rather they should pray, "Thank you for the healing and good health."

The same goes for everything. One should not ask for peace, or for the end of war, or proverty, or crime. One should give thanks for the peace, or for the war's end, for the end of poverty, or the end of crime. Praying for the weakness only draws attention to the weakness. Giving thanks shows your faith for the positive outcome that comes naturally or supernaturally.

< Message edited by Propitious -- 2/9/2008 7:10:27 PM >

RE: Assisting others...
 

*nods*

Thanks for that post/your comments, Craig...very cool!

Personally, I think Mom and Dad are more nervous/concerned that I (or my sister) are.... Maybe I'm feeling a bit guilty, too, for not feeling as anxious as they do. But, then again, if I did ... that wouldn't be a good situation....



Cort:34swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve&pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.legos.HO.models.MCs.RTs.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end" ... James Taylor ... 'Fire and Rain'